Last night I got a call from my sister and she told me she wanted to chat on skype. I got the feeling that something was up because we don't even talk on the phone that often and we only go on skype for special occassions like birthdays, Christmas etc. She still lives in our hometown with the rest of my family and I live across the country. The she wanted to make sure my husband was there and her husband was there too. At that point I totally knew what was coming.......
She had me open an email while on the video and it was a picture of fruits, with an arrow pointing to a olive saying "here". As anyone who has been pregnant in the last few years knows they kind of give you an idea how your baby is growing each week by comparing it to a fruit. So I did the thing I was supposed to do and was all happy for her and asking her how she was feeling etc. She started talking about how she was glad I was going to be home this summer because I could be there for her baby shower and how she would be home for Christmas this year (normally she is overseas visiting her husband's family) so that would be great time for me to be home and meet the baby.
Here is the thing.......it's only been 2 months since my miscarriage, so obviously it's still a sensitive topic. I really think it would have been nice if they had thought of being a little sensitive when they told me. Perhaps not on video so I wouldn't have to try so hard to keep my face looking happy, or maybe my mom could have warned me on the phone earlier so when she told me on skype I was ready. I don't know, but it was really tough.
Secondly, when asking her about when she started trying is basically corresponds to when I told her I announced my pregnancy/miscarried (I told her at 11 weeks on a Sunday and I miscarried on Wednesday). She is older than me, and has been married for a few years, so not really that weird that she was trying, but starting trying exactly the same time as I said I was pregnant? really???
Finally, when I announced my pregnancy she raised hell. She has always been a little self-involved. But again, since we live apart we told her over skype. It was just after Christmas, I told parents on Christmas day, and waited to tell her when she got back from her vacation. She guessed that I was going to tell her I was pregnant when I wanted to skype (same reasons I knew something was up). Called my parents, demanding to know if that what it was, got all angry saying she was the last to know and she didn't want to hear it, wasn't going to talk on skype with me yadda yadda yadda. Anyway, my parents basically confirmed that I was pregnant and told her she needed to be happy for me. So later that day when we did the skype thing I had to pretend that she didn't know and "surprise" her and she pretended to be happy. I think she was upset because she is older and wanted to be the first to have kids, but really they weren't even trying at that point, and she is early 30's and had been married for years, and she is financially stable so it's not like she wasn't in a place to be trying sooner if she wanted to be.
After all of that back story, perhaps you can see was I was hoping for a little sensitivity, but instead I get no sensitivity. After the skype conversation I basically spent the whole night crying. I want a baby with my husband so bad. I would never wish anything bad on anyone, and I truly hope that her pregnancy goes well but I am so jealous. I know how excited my Mom is to have grandkids, she was so excited for my pregnancy. I am jealous that since they live in the same town that they are going to be hanging out, going shopping together being all excited and I am here, alone. I wish I had someone to talk to that could relate. My husband is sweet, but he's not a woman. I don't have a single close friend or family member that has had a miscarriage. I have never felt so alone in my whole life.
I will feel better once I am pregnant again, and have something to be excited about. Right now I just kind of feel hopeless. Fingers crossed this is the month and I am expecting a Christmas baby. This is kind of a depressing post, but I feel a bit better to have vented! Sometimes a good vent goes a long way!
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