Last night I got a call from my sister and she told me she wanted to chat on skype. I got the feeling that something was up because we don't even talk on the phone that often and we only go on skype for special occassions like birthdays, Christmas etc. She still lives in our hometown with the rest of my family and I live across the country. The she wanted to make sure my husband was there and her husband was there too. At that point I totally knew what was coming.......
She had me open an email while on the video and it was a picture of fruits, with an arrow pointing to a olive saying "here". As anyone who has been pregnant in the last few years knows they kind of give you an idea how your baby is growing each week by comparing it to a fruit. So I did the thing I was supposed to do and was all happy for her and asking her how she was feeling etc. She started talking about how she was glad I was going to be home this summer because I could be there for her baby shower and how she would be home for Christmas this year (normally she is overseas visiting her husband's family) so that would be great time for me to be home and meet the baby.
Here is the thing.......it's only been 2 months since my miscarriage, so obviously it's still a sensitive topic. I really think it would have been nice if they had thought of being a little sensitive when they told me. Perhaps not on video so I wouldn't have to try so hard to keep my face looking happy, or maybe my mom could have warned me on the phone earlier so when she told me on skype I was ready. I don't know, but it was really tough.
Secondly, when asking her about when she started trying is basically corresponds to when I told her I announced my pregnancy/miscarried (I told her at 11 weeks on a Sunday and I miscarried on Wednesday). She is older than me, and has been married for a few years, so not really that weird that she was trying, but starting trying exactly the same time as I said I was pregnant? really???
Finally, when I announced my pregnancy she raised hell. She has always been a little self-involved. But again, since we live apart we told her over skype. It was just after Christmas, I told parents on Christmas day, and waited to tell her when she got back from her vacation. She guessed that I was going to tell her I was pregnant when I wanted to skype (same reasons I knew something was up). Called my parents, demanding to know if that what it was, got all angry saying she was the last to know and she didn't want to hear it, wasn't going to talk on skype with me yadda yadda yadda. Anyway, my parents basically confirmed that I was pregnant and told her she needed to be happy for me. So later that day when we did the skype thing I had to pretend that she didn't know and "surprise" her and she pretended to be happy. I think she was upset because she is older and wanted to be the first to have kids, but really they weren't even trying at that point, and she is early 30's and had been married for years, and she is financially stable so it's not like she wasn't in a place to be trying sooner if she wanted to be.
After all of that back story, perhaps you can see was I was hoping for a little sensitivity, but instead I get no sensitivity. After the skype conversation I basically spent the whole night crying. I want a baby with my husband so bad. I would never wish anything bad on anyone, and I truly hope that her pregnancy goes well but I am so jealous. I know how excited my Mom is to have grandkids, she was so excited for my pregnancy. I am jealous that since they live in the same town that they are going to be hanging out, going shopping together being all excited and I am here, alone. I wish I had someone to talk to that could relate. My husband is sweet, but he's not a woman. I don't have a single close friend or family member that has had a miscarriage. I have never felt so alone in my whole life.
I will feel better once I am pregnant again, and have something to be excited about. Right now I just kind of feel hopeless. Fingers crossed this is the month and I am expecting a Christmas baby. This is kind of a depressing post, but I feel a bit better to have vented! Sometimes a good vent goes a long way!
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
Thursday, 24 March 2011
Spring break vacay
Spring break starts this Friday at noon. I can't freaking wait! I work at an all girls school, which means drama is always happening, but these are at risk girls, so there is even more drama going on. The last few weeks things have been getting tense and there has been even more drama than usual. The girls just need a break from each other and the teachers need a break from them. You know how there is sometimes a co-worker that you don't always get along with? Well, as adults we can handle it. We typically avoid them, are able to exchange brief pleasantries in the elevator or staff room, occasionally rant to a close friend and everything in the workplace is fine. Not everyone is going to be friends, that's a reality of life, but as adults we know how to deal with that without causing drama (well at least most adults do). Teenage girls have yet to master this fine art, and when forced to see each other for many hours a day......well it results in drama. As I said, I can't wait for spring break!
What kind of fabulous things do you have planned for spring break you ask? Well, I am sticking around the city for a few days and then heading to rural Manitoba. If you are not familiar with Canada, Manitoba is not the most exciting place to be in April. In case you are reading this and are from Manitoba and ready to get angry with me....I like Manitoba. In fact it's fun in the winter for all kinds of winter activities and great in the summer with the fabulous lakes. It's just that April is an inbetween time of not much to do. This would be fine if I was going to a city, where I could do some shopping or see something cultural but I am not. Manitoba is not the only place like this, so I'm not hating on Manitoba in particular, but while you can make all the arguments you want for Manitoba, it certainly is not as fun as say, Mexico in April.
I am heading to Manitoba to go to a friend's wedding. She came to my wedding this past summer in Newfoundland while she was 20 weeks pregnant and so I am kinda obligated to go to hers. I really do want to see her get married, and am excited for the event. I am just not so excited for the 12 hour drive each way. Yuck! I am excited to see her son though. Last time I saw him he was 7 weeks old. Unfortunately her visit was the weekend between finding out my baby was no long living and getting my D&C. So here I am with a dead baby in my belly and trying to be happy for her. The visit was scheduled well in advance so the timing was just chance, but it was not exactly the best timing for me to really enjoy meeting her newborn. I am excited to see how he has grown and to have a visit with him in a far more emotionally stable place. From the pictures I have seen he has really grown and is looking super cute!
On more exciting travel news, hubby and I are looking at booking a cruise for this summer. We didn't go on a real honeymoon after our wedding this summer, so it will kind of be a belated celebration. We are planning on treating ourselves to a nicer trip than we would usually splurge on. I am excited to get it booked so that we have something concrete to look forward too. It should also help motivate me to stick to some sort of healthy eating. You would think trying to get pregnant is enough, but that is just enough to make me eat healthy things, not necessarily enough to help me control the calories of those healthy things. Brown rice and veggie stirfry is healthy......but not when you have a double portion!!! Hopefully by the time cruise rolls around I have skinny arms and legs and a little baby bump!
Please feel free to post a comment at anytime! I love to hear from you!
What kind of fabulous things do you have planned for spring break you ask? Well, I am sticking around the city for a few days and then heading to rural Manitoba. If you are not familiar with Canada, Manitoba is not the most exciting place to be in April. In case you are reading this and are from Manitoba and ready to get angry with me....I like Manitoba. In fact it's fun in the winter for all kinds of winter activities and great in the summer with the fabulous lakes. It's just that April is an inbetween time of not much to do. This would be fine if I was going to a city, where I could do some shopping or see something cultural but I am not. Manitoba is not the only place like this, so I'm not hating on Manitoba in particular, but while you can make all the arguments you want for Manitoba, it certainly is not as fun as say, Mexico in April.
I am heading to Manitoba to go to a friend's wedding. She came to my wedding this past summer in Newfoundland while she was 20 weeks pregnant and so I am kinda obligated to go to hers. I really do want to see her get married, and am excited for the event. I am just not so excited for the 12 hour drive each way. Yuck! I am excited to see her son though. Last time I saw him he was 7 weeks old. Unfortunately her visit was the weekend between finding out my baby was no long living and getting my D&C. So here I am with a dead baby in my belly and trying to be happy for her. The visit was scheduled well in advance so the timing was just chance, but it was not exactly the best timing for me to really enjoy meeting her newborn. I am excited to see how he has grown and to have a visit with him in a far more emotionally stable place. From the pictures I have seen he has really grown and is looking super cute!
On more exciting travel news, hubby and I are looking at booking a cruise for this summer. We didn't go on a real honeymoon after our wedding this summer, so it will kind of be a belated celebration. We are planning on treating ourselves to a nicer trip than we would usually splurge on. I am excited to get it booked so that we have something concrete to look forward too. It should also help motivate me to stick to some sort of healthy eating. You would think trying to get pregnant is enough, but that is just enough to make me eat healthy things, not necessarily enough to help me control the calories of those healthy things. Brown rice and veggie stirfry is healthy......but not when you have a double portion!!! Hopefully by the time cruise rolls around I have skinny arms and legs and a little baby bump!
Please feel free to post a comment at anytime! I love to hear from you!
Tuesday, 22 March 2011
Girls just want to have fun.......
I copied this picture from http://www.pinterest.com/ and I just love it......it makes me feel happy deep down inside.
Monday, 21 March 2011
Baby showers and predicting ovulation
Thursday my least favorite family member, Aunt Flo, arrived for a visit. I was pretty sad when she showed up, because until she does you can convince yourself that maybe you're pregnant. On Friday though I decided it was ok, first because she came after 26 days which was my cycle before my miscarriage so I am glad that my body is back to normal finally, and also because not being pregnant meant that I could have some wine on the weekend, which was very helpful in making it through the baby shower.
Saturday was the rush of getting ready for 30 people to be over to my house, and I was cleaning and preparing food. Luckily a close friend on the baby's mom came over to help me for about 90 minutes before. It was really great to have a little help, otherwise I would have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off when everyone arrived.
The baby shower itself actually turned out pretty well, I think that everyone had a good time and the new parents got some great presents for their little girl. I really like the co-ed baby shower thing, particularly when the baby shower is after the birth. We did the traditional baby shower thing and played a few games, but I tried to make sure they were pretty co-ed. We did "guess the baby food", blindfolded partner feeding using applesauce, and my personal favorite chugging beer from a baby bottle. This one was so hilarious, seeing all the guys sucking as hard as they could on baby bottles.....it's not exactly chugging since for 250ml (1 cup) of beer it took them like 5 minutes. I would highly recommend this game for any baby shower though! HILARIOUS!
So in the end the baby shower was pretty good, people had fun, and I was so busy with the entertaining and hosting part of it all I really didn't have any time to feel sorry for myself. Also over the weekend I told two more friends about the miscarriage that I've been wanting to tell. It felt good to get it off my chest and they were really supportive. One of the girls told me she had one as well, and now she has a beautiful 1 year old boy and it was good to give me some hope that I'll get pregnant in the next few months!
Speaking of getting pregnant again, this weekend I bought some ovulation prediction kits. I haven't used these before, but people on trying to conceive sites seem to think they are very helpful. I bought the brand first response which includes 7 tests. Hopefully it does the trick and detects my ovulation. I am a bit worried that I either ovulate early or late and I miss the ovulation at the beginning or end of the 7 test days. I started my cycle on this past Thursday, and I am going with a 26 day cycle, so I am supposed to start testing with the ovulation kits on this Friday. Yay! I am excited for officially trying again. If any of you out there have used ovulation prediction kits and have any advice, tips/tricks or brand recommendations please let me know!
Saturday was the rush of getting ready for 30 people to be over to my house, and I was cleaning and preparing food. Luckily a close friend on the baby's mom came over to help me for about 90 minutes before. It was really great to have a little help, otherwise I would have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off when everyone arrived.
The baby shower itself actually turned out pretty well, I think that everyone had a good time and the new parents got some great presents for their little girl. I really like the co-ed baby shower thing, particularly when the baby shower is after the birth. We did the traditional baby shower thing and played a few games, but I tried to make sure they were pretty co-ed. We did "guess the baby food", blindfolded partner feeding using applesauce, and my personal favorite chugging beer from a baby bottle. This one was so hilarious, seeing all the guys sucking as hard as they could on baby bottles.....it's not exactly chugging since for 250ml (1 cup) of beer it took them like 5 minutes. I would highly recommend this game for any baby shower though! HILARIOUS!
So in the end the baby shower was pretty good, people had fun, and I was so busy with the entertaining and hosting part of it all I really didn't have any time to feel sorry for myself. Also over the weekend I told two more friends about the miscarriage that I've been wanting to tell. It felt good to get it off my chest and they were really supportive. One of the girls told me she had one as well, and now she has a beautiful 1 year old boy and it was good to give me some hope that I'll get pregnant in the next few months!
Speaking of getting pregnant again, this weekend I bought some ovulation prediction kits. I haven't used these before, but people on trying to conceive sites seem to think they are very helpful. I bought the brand first response which includes 7 tests. Hopefully it does the trick and detects my ovulation. I am a bit worried that I either ovulate early or late and I miss the ovulation at the beginning or end of the 7 test days. I started my cycle on this past Thursday, and I am going with a 26 day cycle, so I am supposed to start testing with the ovulation kits on this Friday. Yay! I am excited for officially trying again. If any of you out there have used ovulation prediction kits and have any advice, tips/tricks or brand recommendations please let me know!
Wednesday, 16 March 2011
...and now back to my previously scheduled rant!
Ok, so in my last post I was going to post my rant about this weekend and I ended up going on about something else and I never got to my original rant. So here it is, although with a few days of space I am certainly more chill.
As I started to say, we were over hanging out with a couple who are very good friends of ours. As well there were a few couples there that we don't know very well. The couple we are close with just had a baby (6.5 weeks ago) and we haven't told them about our miscarriage because we want them to really enjoy this time without feeling weird around us. This coming Saturday I am hosting the baby shower in celebration of their new baby girl.
It may seem odd that I am hosting the shower at this sensitive, but I offered to host while I was newly pregnant and super excited. I never really expected things to end up this way. It came about that I would host because the girl's sister-in-law (her brother's wife) offered to host. While her SIL is a nice person, she is somewhat socially awkward and a financially struggling student who lives in a basement apartment. My friend didn't want to refuse her offer, since this was a big step for her, but also didn't really think she was the best person to host given her situation. I suggested that maybe her SIL could host a family event and that a friend (such as me) could host a friends event. That way her SIL isn't insulted and she could have the shower that she wanted. Fast forward to today. Her brother and SIL are acting crappy. We all live in the same city but yet the brother has met the baby only once (when my friend came to visit him at his work so he could meet his neice) and the SIL hasn't even seen the baby yet or mentioned the baby shower again. So now the fun friends co-ed evening baby shower I had planned (and she was wanting) has turned into a much bigger multi-generational family event. The guest list keeps growing and I keep thinking about how this is not what I had in mind and that I am going to be serving refreshments for more and more people.
This alone is not really enough to get me worked up, it's annoying, but understandable. What is really annoying me is that she has invited a number of people (and their partners) that she openly doesn't like, and doesn't really have a desire to hang out with. She is essentially inviting them because she wants more gifts. I don't really like these people either, they are not bad people, just the kind of people that get under your skin and you would never be friends with. If they were her friends and she really wanted them there then I wouldn't have a problem. It's the fact that she doesn't even like them either that bothers me. The invite list she sent me was just email addresses on it, so I just sent the invite to the list. You know how email addresses are, sometimes they aren't anything like the persons name, so I didn't realise who they were until they responded. Too late to talk to her about maybe not inviting them! I'm sorry, but inviting people that you don't like to a party that someone else is paying for just so you can get gifts is just plain rude. She doesn't even try to pretend she likes them.....grrrrrr!
Already I'm annoyed at her because all of this baby shower information comes to light on Saturday and unbeknownst to her I'm already kind of stressed about it, just because it is hard to be celebrating a baby shower so soon after losing your own baby. Then this discussion started about a girl we both know who has been trying for awhile to get pregnant and is having difficulty. I am dying to tell her my story, but with all the people in the room that I don't really know I am not going to bring it up. Then she starts telling a story about a girl she works with (she is also a teacher) who is trying to get pregnant and has been trying for about a year. The girl just found out she had a pregnant girl in her class. She was going on and on about how tough it must be for this girl to have to see an unplanned teenage pregnancy while she was having difficulties trying. It's not her fault for talking about this because, again she doesn't know my situation, but while this entire conversation is going on I am struggling. I just want to scream...you think that's hard??? Try having a miscarriage when you work at a school that is for pregnant and parenting teen girls??? Every single student I have is either pregnant or a mom! Some of the girls I teach are due around the same time I was! I have to see girls smoking on the corner with their pregnant bellies and deal with the fact that they get to have a baby and I couldn't. There is a daycare on site, where I see little babies coming in and out of throughout the day. One of my students has 3 kids already at 18! I see girls in abusive relationships, drug problems, alcoholics, in foster homes, stds, and neglectful of their kids! That is hard!!!!
Of course, I can't scream that. I will break down sobbing and the strangers in the room will think I'm a crazy lady, so I sit there and nod and don't say much except "yeah that must be hard". Like I said I don't blame her for this, because she doesn't know my situation, and she's right, it is tough for that friend of hers too, and don't get me wrong, I really love the school that I work at. While I do see all the problems these girls face they all have a story from their past that would break your heart into a million pieces and I get to see many of them find there way through their struggles and moving towards some kind of productive life. I have formed many connections with the girls, and I really care about them. It's just that it's a hard place to work having recently had a miscarriage.
Well there you have the story of my Saturday, a bit annoyed at my friend about the baby shower invite choices, but not blaming her at all for the sensitivity around my miscarriage that she doesn't know about. I'm actually really glad I have created this blog. Being able to write this story down and put it out there makes it easy to just move on. I promised that my entry after this one would be positive and not a rant, so I will write next time to let you all know how the baby shower goes on Saturday.....and no matter how it goes I will only tell you about the positive (hopefully it's all positive anyway) because I feel like I need to send a little positivity out into the universe and maybe the universe will send some back my way. Please comment on the post if you have anything to say, I really love hearing what you think!!!
As I started to say, we were over hanging out with a couple who are very good friends of ours. As well there were a few couples there that we don't know very well. The couple we are close with just had a baby (6.5 weeks ago) and we haven't told them about our miscarriage because we want them to really enjoy this time without feeling weird around us. This coming Saturday I am hosting the baby shower in celebration of their new baby girl.
It may seem odd that I am hosting the shower at this sensitive, but I offered to host while I was newly pregnant and super excited. I never really expected things to end up this way. It came about that I would host because the girl's sister-in-law (her brother's wife) offered to host. While her SIL is a nice person, she is somewhat socially awkward and a financially struggling student who lives in a basement apartment. My friend didn't want to refuse her offer, since this was a big step for her, but also didn't really think she was the best person to host given her situation. I suggested that maybe her SIL could host a family event and that a friend (such as me) could host a friends event. That way her SIL isn't insulted and she could have the shower that she wanted. Fast forward to today. Her brother and SIL are acting crappy. We all live in the same city but yet the brother has met the baby only once (when my friend came to visit him at his work so he could meet his neice) and the SIL hasn't even seen the baby yet or mentioned the baby shower again. So now the fun friends co-ed evening baby shower I had planned (and she was wanting) has turned into a much bigger multi-generational family event. The guest list keeps growing and I keep thinking about how this is not what I had in mind and that I am going to be serving refreshments for more and more people.
This alone is not really enough to get me worked up, it's annoying, but understandable. What is really annoying me is that she has invited a number of people (and their partners) that she openly doesn't like, and doesn't really have a desire to hang out with. She is essentially inviting them because she wants more gifts. I don't really like these people either, they are not bad people, just the kind of people that get under your skin and you would never be friends with. If they were her friends and she really wanted them there then I wouldn't have a problem. It's the fact that she doesn't even like them either that bothers me. The invite list she sent me was just email addresses on it, so I just sent the invite to the list. You know how email addresses are, sometimes they aren't anything like the persons name, so I didn't realise who they were until they responded. Too late to talk to her about maybe not inviting them! I'm sorry, but inviting people that you don't like to a party that someone else is paying for just so you can get gifts is just plain rude. She doesn't even try to pretend she likes them.....grrrrrr!
Already I'm annoyed at her because all of this baby shower information comes to light on Saturday and unbeknownst to her I'm already kind of stressed about it, just because it is hard to be celebrating a baby shower so soon after losing your own baby. Then this discussion started about a girl we both know who has been trying for awhile to get pregnant and is having difficulty. I am dying to tell her my story, but with all the people in the room that I don't really know I am not going to bring it up. Then she starts telling a story about a girl she works with (she is also a teacher) who is trying to get pregnant and has been trying for about a year. The girl just found out she had a pregnant girl in her class. She was going on and on about how tough it must be for this girl to have to see an unplanned teenage pregnancy while she was having difficulties trying. It's not her fault for talking about this because, again she doesn't know my situation, but while this entire conversation is going on I am struggling. I just want to scream...you think that's hard??? Try having a miscarriage when you work at a school that is for pregnant and parenting teen girls??? Every single student I have is either pregnant or a mom! Some of the girls I teach are due around the same time I was! I have to see girls smoking on the corner with their pregnant bellies and deal with the fact that they get to have a baby and I couldn't. There is a daycare on site, where I see little babies coming in and out of throughout the day. One of my students has 3 kids already at 18! I see girls in abusive relationships, drug problems, alcoholics, in foster homes, stds, and neglectful of their kids! That is hard!!!!
Of course, I can't scream that. I will break down sobbing and the strangers in the room will think I'm a crazy lady, so I sit there and nod and don't say much except "yeah that must be hard". Like I said I don't blame her for this, because she doesn't know my situation, and she's right, it is tough for that friend of hers too, and don't get me wrong, I really love the school that I work at. While I do see all the problems these girls face they all have a story from their past that would break your heart into a million pieces and I get to see many of them find there way through their struggles and moving towards some kind of productive life. I have formed many connections with the girls, and I really care about them. It's just that it's a hard place to work having recently had a miscarriage.
Well there you have the story of my Saturday, a bit annoyed at my friend about the baby shower invite choices, but not blaming her at all for the sensitivity around my miscarriage that she doesn't know about. I'm actually really glad I have created this blog. Being able to write this story down and put it out there makes it easy to just move on. I promised that my entry after this one would be positive and not a rant, so I will write next time to let you all know how the baby shower goes on Saturday.....and no matter how it goes I will only tell you about the positive (hopefully it's all positive anyway) because I feel like I need to send a little positivity out into the universe and maybe the universe will send some back my way. Please comment on the post if you have anything to say, I really love hearing what you think!!!
Monday, 14 March 2011
Off on a tangent
The end to another weekend, and turns out I didn't win the lottery again, so I guess it's back to work. Seriously lottery, I am so ready for my multi-millions already! The time change kicked my butt this morning, I find it so easy to jump out of bed when the sun is shining and find it so impossible to get out when it is still dark outside. Oh well, at least time change weekend means that we are closer to summer time.
On Saturday my husband and I went over to another couple's house. They were having some people over that we aren't that close with but the couple are really good friends of ours. The guy was my husband's best man at our wedding. Now I want to premise the rant that is about to follow with the statement that we really like this couple, they are good friends and while I am ranting about them, they truly are great people.
This couple just had a baby in late January. In fact they announced her pregnancy (we knew they were trying) in the card they gave us for our wedding this summer when she was just 10 weeks along. The hard part is that they had no idea we were trying to have a baby and no idea about our miscarriage. We chose not to tell people we were trying because of the friends I did know that were trying I felt like I was constantly watching for signs and I knew their cycles....just too much of an envasion of privacy. Anyway, my husband and I decided not to tell anyone we were trying, and not to tell anyone (except immediate family) about any resulting pregnancy until after the 12 week ultrasound. We told our families at 10 weeks, on Christmas Day, but that is a story for another day.
We were very excited to tell them about our pregnancy, and in fact my miscarriage was just a week before that 12 week ultrasound. Then the miscarriage happened. I found out on a Thursday, had a D&C the following Thursday, Saturday I spent making a diaper cake for her (with the assistance of another pregnant friend of ours who was actually due yesterday but no baby yet!), Saturday night we went out to dinner with them and other friends and she noticed the IV bruises on my hands. I made up some lame story to explain them away. She went into labour on the next Wednesday night and delivered Friday morning.
As you can imagine this timing was really tough for me and my husband. We chose not to tell them during this time, because I didn't think I was ready to talk about it without hysterical sobbing, and also because they are dear friends and this was the birth of their first born. I didn't want to darken their experience or make them feel like they couldn't be truly happy around us. This was the reason we didn't tell them for the first few weeks. Some days I wanted to wring her neck, when she was complaining about how difficult things were with a new baby, how tired they were, how sore she was etc. etc. She had no idea what we went through, and was just sharing feelings of most new mothers.....but it took everything not to yell "How difficult it is?? Miscarriage is difficult! I would love to be in your shoes! I am the wrong person to complain too!"
I haven't told them since then because there really hasn't been a good time. Everytime we plan on hanging out with them alone (just the two couples) either something has come up and one of us has had to cancel, or other less close friends that I don't feel like sharing with have joined us.
Maybe it was wrong to suffer in silence, but I was really just trying to be a good friend and let them enjoy their little bundle of joy. I am planning on telling them soon, although my husband says maybe we should tell them about it once we are pregnant and passed the 12 week mark. The reason I want to tell them is that I really can't handle some of the comments that are made, which aren't so bad, but would be considered very insensitive if they knew. Also I really feel like not telling even close friends just further encourages the stigma that goes along with miscarriage. Obviously I don't want random people to know my personal medical info, but good friends, yes! It seems that there is kind of a culture of miscarrige, where women who haven't had one, as supportive as they try to be, you can see that little glimmer of superiority in their eyes. Like being fertile proves their womanhood. Of course they are outwardly supportive and say all the well meaning things they can, I just know that somewhere deep down, even if just a tiny part of them, they feel glad that it wasn't them. The more us women who have experienced it talk about it, the more that other women realise how common it is. Sometimes I feel like miscarriage is viewed the same way as mental illness, people say all the supportive things in the world about how it's a medical condition etc etc but on the inside they judge you just a little. Stupid. Would you ever judge someone for having a broken leg? No, and these things are no different.
Ok well, clearly I have gone off on a tangent and am ranting about something completely different than my intended rant. So I will leave it at there today, and will share the rant about my weekend in my next post. I promise the post after that will be a positive and rant-free post!
On Saturday my husband and I went over to another couple's house. They were having some people over that we aren't that close with but the couple are really good friends of ours. The guy was my husband's best man at our wedding. Now I want to premise the rant that is about to follow with the statement that we really like this couple, they are good friends and while I am ranting about them, they truly are great people.
This couple just had a baby in late January. In fact they announced her pregnancy (we knew they were trying) in the card they gave us for our wedding this summer when she was just 10 weeks along. The hard part is that they had no idea we were trying to have a baby and no idea about our miscarriage. We chose not to tell people we were trying because of the friends I did know that were trying I felt like I was constantly watching for signs and I knew their cycles....just too much of an envasion of privacy. Anyway, my husband and I decided not to tell anyone we were trying, and not to tell anyone (except immediate family) about any resulting pregnancy until after the 12 week ultrasound. We told our families at 10 weeks, on Christmas Day, but that is a story for another day.
We were very excited to tell them about our pregnancy, and in fact my miscarriage was just a week before that 12 week ultrasound. Then the miscarriage happened. I found out on a Thursday, had a D&C the following Thursday, Saturday I spent making a diaper cake for her (with the assistance of another pregnant friend of ours who was actually due yesterday but no baby yet!), Saturday night we went out to dinner with them and other friends and she noticed the IV bruises on my hands. I made up some lame story to explain them away. She went into labour on the next Wednesday night and delivered Friday morning.
As you can imagine this timing was really tough for me and my husband. We chose not to tell them during this time, because I didn't think I was ready to talk about it without hysterical sobbing, and also because they are dear friends and this was the birth of their first born. I didn't want to darken their experience or make them feel like they couldn't be truly happy around us. This was the reason we didn't tell them for the first few weeks. Some days I wanted to wring her neck, when she was complaining about how difficult things were with a new baby, how tired they were, how sore she was etc. etc. She had no idea what we went through, and was just sharing feelings of most new mothers.....but it took everything not to yell "How difficult it is?? Miscarriage is difficult! I would love to be in your shoes! I am the wrong person to complain too!"
I haven't told them since then because there really hasn't been a good time. Everytime we plan on hanging out with them alone (just the two couples) either something has come up and one of us has had to cancel, or other less close friends that I don't feel like sharing with have joined us.
Maybe it was wrong to suffer in silence, but I was really just trying to be a good friend and let them enjoy their little bundle of joy. I am planning on telling them soon, although my husband says maybe we should tell them about it once we are pregnant and passed the 12 week mark. The reason I want to tell them is that I really can't handle some of the comments that are made, which aren't so bad, but would be considered very insensitive if they knew. Also I really feel like not telling even close friends just further encourages the stigma that goes along with miscarriage. Obviously I don't want random people to know my personal medical info, but good friends, yes! It seems that there is kind of a culture of miscarrige, where women who haven't had one, as supportive as they try to be, you can see that little glimmer of superiority in their eyes. Like being fertile proves their womanhood. Of course they are outwardly supportive and say all the well meaning things they can, I just know that somewhere deep down, even if just a tiny part of them, they feel glad that it wasn't them. The more us women who have experienced it talk about it, the more that other women realise how common it is. Sometimes I feel like miscarriage is viewed the same way as mental illness, people say all the supportive things in the world about how it's a medical condition etc etc but on the inside they judge you just a little. Stupid. Would you ever judge someone for having a broken leg? No, and these things are no different.
Ok well, clearly I have gone off on a tangent and am ranting about something completely different than my intended rant. So I will leave it at there today, and will share the rant about my weekend in my next post. I promise the post after that will be a positive and rant-free post!
Wednesday, 9 March 2011
Green-eyed Monster
My good friend who was expecting 3 weeks after me found out her amniocentesis results yesterday. It's all good! The baby is healthy and it is a little boy! This is great news. I am really happy for her, she is so wonderful and she has been so stressed out waiting for the testing to get done because her early results had her very high risk.
Unfortunately I am also insanely jealous. Of course I will never tell her this, because well that's just stupid, but while I keep trying to convince my rational brain not to be jealous that little green-eyed monster keeps showing his face. It's just that we were due right around the same time, we were trying to conceive together and we were going to be on mat leave together. Everything was perfect until I had my miscarriage.Of course I would never wish that there was anything wrong with her baby, but for a few weeks there I had someone to talk to that was also having a hard time with baby making, I guess misery loves company, and now she is so happy and I am so happy for her, but I feel all alone again.
I guess I have been feeling all "woe is me" the last few days, throwing myself a great big pity party! I keep thinking that I really want to be pregnant again, but when I was pregnant the timing was perfect. I would have a baby in early August and could take a full school year off, which is very convenient as a teacher. If we get pregnant this month or next then the baby would be born between late November and late December which although I would be super happy to see that positive, it also means that within a 3 week period we would have Christmas, my birthday, my husband's birthdy and the baby's birthday. We both hated having birthdays so close to Christmas so I was excited to have a summer baby! Then, I stop myself and think of all the minor things to really waste my time thinking about, when the baby that I am still trying to conceive might be born is so stupid.
Well, ok, that's enough of a pity party for me....I am off to start teaching....somedays working at a school for pregnant and parenting teen girls is really hard. Why do unwanted pregnancies seem to happen so easily and those of us who try and are finanically and emotionally ready seem to struggle?
Unfortunately I am also insanely jealous. Of course I will never tell her this, because well that's just stupid, but while I keep trying to convince my rational brain not to be jealous that little green-eyed monster keeps showing his face. It's just that we were due right around the same time, we were trying to conceive together and we were going to be on mat leave together. Everything was perfect until I had my miscarriage.Of course I would never wish that there was anything wrong with her baby, but for a few weeks there I had someone to talk to that was also having a hard time with baby making, I guess misery loves company, and now she is so happy and I am so happy for her, but I feel all alone again.
I guess I have been feeling all "woe is me" the last few days, throwing myself a great big pity party! I keep thinking that I really want to be pregnant again, but when I was pregnant the timing was perfect. I would have a baby in early August and could take a full school year off, which is very convenient as a teacher. If we get pregnant this month or next then the baby would be born between late November and late December which although I would be super happy to see that positive, it also means that within a 3 week period we would have Christmas, my birthday, my husband's birthdy and the baby's birthday. We both hated having birthdays so close to Christmas so I was excited to have a summer baby! Then, I stop myself and think of all the minor things to really waste my time thinking about, when the baby that I am still trying to conceive might be born is so stupid.
Well, ok, that's enough of a pity party for me....I am off to start teaching....somedays working at a school for pregnant and parenting teen girls is really hard. Why do unwanted pregnancies seem to happen so easily and those of us who try and are finanically and emotionally ready seem to struggle?
Tuesday, 8 March 2011
Happy International Women's Day!
In honour of International Women's Day here is 10 great things about being a women and having a day to celebrate:
1. Women are beautiful....let's face it, our bodies are awesome! Even if we don't have the perfect body they are still awesome. In fact, they are so much prettier than male bodies (and I'm 100% heterosexual) that for some reason if watching tv I am way more comfortable seeing a woman's body on the screen than a man's. I bet that's true for most people.
2. On the topic of how great our bodies are......we can make babies. Sure we need the man for a little while, but perhaps because I am trying to start my own family, lately I have been totally impressed with all that a woman's body does to make a new little life. I hope I join the league of mommies soon!
3. We have bigger emotional brains than men. Trust me on this one, I did a Master's of Science studying brian physiology. Sure men have better depth perception, but really, emotional brain kicks depth perception's ass.
4. Today is a day to celebrate women, so I love this day. In fact, in Russia (and I know this because my hubby is Russian) men bring flowers to the women in their lives (wife, mom, grandma, daughter etc.). So if you are not getting flowers today make sure you let your man know that he better stop on the way home!
5. This year is the 100th International Women's Day! We've been celebrating for a century! We were awesome way before 1911, but I'm glad we decided to formally recognize it! We've come along way in the last 100 years, particularly in the western world. Here's to supporting our sisters in places that have yet to receive the equality they deserve.
6. The theme for this year's celebration "Equal access to education, training and science and technology: Pathway to decent work for women", let's hope with the upcoming generation of women girls never feel like they have to play stupid to get a boys attention. Any boy who likes you because he thinks he is smarter than you is an idiot, and you deserve someone better....not to mention hotter, because idiots start looking ugly REAL fast!
7. Ok this one may be controversial but I love chivalry. I love that a door gets held open for me, or I get to wait inside while my husband scrapes ice from the car windows. Yes, I am just as capable of doing those things, but sometimes, since I am being 100% honest on this blog, I love getting treated like a princess!
8. Along the same lines of being treated like a princess, I love that being a girl means that I can be as girly as I want, spending 2 hours getting ready for a big event, or going to a spa, or getting a pedicure, or watching cheesy romantic comedies, but being a woman also means that I can get dirty, play sports and drink beer. We get to do both, and it is fun!
9. Check out this link: http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/story/2011/03/07/f-international-womens-day.html it is all about trendsetting women in the world today. They are awesome!
10. Ok I feel like since this is the last one I should have a big finale, but really I just love being a woman. There is some kind of quiet power in being a woman, it's not loud or in your face, but we are the glue that binds our families together, we are the ones who remember birthdays, who wipe children's tears, who nurse sick family members. We are awesome. If anyone has not read the book "The Red Tent" by Anita Diamant, I highly recommend it, it is a fictional story based on some minor characters in the bible, but not a religious read at all. It definitely makes you recognize your strength in your womanhood!
So here is to all the women of the world today! If there is a woman that you kind of hate, in honour of today, I recommend that you think of a woman in your life that you kind of hate, be nice to her today and give her a second chance. She may be bitchy or catty or all those other hateful words that we use to describe each other but even if just for one day cut her a break. You never know what hardships she has faced to make her who she is today, and us women face enough trouble out there in the big bad world, the least we can do is have each others backs for at least one day a year!
1. Women are beautiful....let's face it, our bodies are awesome! Even if we don't have the perfect body they are still awesome. In fact, they are so much prettier than male bodies (and I'm 100% heterosexual) that for some reason if watching tv I am way more comfortable seeing a woman's body on the screen than a man's. I bet that's true for most people.
2. On the topic of how great our bodies are......we can make babies. Sure we need the man for a little while, but perhaps because I am trying to start my own family, lately I have been totally impressed with all that a woman's body does to make a new little life. I hope I join the league of mommies soon!
3. We have bigger emotional brains than men. Trust me on this one, I did a Master's of Science studying brian physiology. Sure men have better depth perception, but really, emotional brain kicks depth perception's ass.
4. Today is a day to celebrate women, so I love this day. In fact, in Russia (and I know this because my hubby is Russian) men bring flowers to the women in their lives (wife, mom, grandma, daughter etc.). So if you are not getting flowers today make sure you let your man know that he better stop on the way home!
5. This year is the 100th International Women's Day! We've been celebrating for a century! We were awesome way before 1911, but I'm glad we decided to formally recognize it! We've come along way in the last 100 years, particularly in the western world. Here's to supporting our sisters in places that have yet to receive the equality they deserve.
6. The theme for this year's celebration "Equal access to education, training and science and technology: Pathway to decent work for women", let's hope with the upcoming generation of women girls never feel like they have to play stupid to get a boys attention. Any boy who likes you because he thinks he is smarter than you is an idiot, and you deserve someone better....not to mention hotter, because idiots start looking ugly REAL fast!
7. Ok this one may be controversial but I love chivalry. I love that a door gets held open for me, or I get to wait inside while my husband scrapes ice from the car windows. Yes, I am just as capable of doing those things, but sometimes, since I am being 100% honest on this blog, I love getting treated like a princess!
8. Along the same lines of being treated like a princess, I love that being a girl means that I can be as girly as I want, spending 2 hours getting ready for a big event, or going to a spa, or getting a pedicure, or watching cheesy romantic comedies, but being a woman also means that I can get dirty, play sports and drink beer. We get to do both, and it is fun!
9. Check out this link: http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/story/2011/03/07/f-international-womens-day.html it is all about trendsetting women in the world today. They are awesome!
10. Ok I feel like since this is the last one I should have a big finale, but really I just love being a woman. There is some kind of quiet power in being a woman, it's not loud or in your face, but we are the glue that binds our families together, we are the ones who remember birthdays, who wipe children's tears, who nurse sick family members. We are awesome. If anyone has not read the book "The Red Tent" by Anita Diamant, I highly recommend it, it is a fictional story based on some minor characters in the bible, but not a religious read at all. It definitely makes you recognize your strength in your womanhood!
So here is to all the women of the world today! If there is a woman that you kind of hate, in honour of today, I recommend that you think of a woman in your life that you kind of hate, be nice to her today and give her a second chance. She may be bitchy or catty or all those other hateful words that we use to describe each other but even if just for one day cut her a break. You never know what hardships she has faced to make her who she is today, and us women face enough trouble out there in the big bad world, the least we can do is have each others backs for at least one day a year!
Monday, 7 March 2011
Awkward restaurant situations, omlettes and babies.
Another Monday, and another end to the weekend. I have to say that I really and truly love my job, but that being said I would really love it even more if the weekends were 3 days and the work week was 4! I always have a list of productive things I plan on getting done on the weekend and somehow the majority of the list never happens!
Friday was the cheat day from my diet, so hubby and I went out for supper. My husband and I have been following the GI diet recently. My body does not love bad carbs, despite the continuous insistence from my tastebuds, so after dieting to look awesome for our wedding this past summer I have managed to pack on thirty pounds. Not good. Now this has nothing to do with exercise, since I do that anywhere from 3 to 5 days a week, it is all diet, and let me tell you this fall was a shit show of a diet disaster. After being so careful with my eating to look good for the wedding I think my brain rebelled and so I ate bad food, then I started a new job which was pretty overwhelming, so I ate bad food. Next I got pregnant, which generally means eating healthy but also means cutting out everything with aspartame which I love so much so that meant extra calories. Next came the holidays, followed shortly thereafter by a miscarriage, so there was some holiday eating followed by some depression eating.....so here I am 30 pounds heavier. So I have been eating healthier, somehow after just a few weeks on the diet I have lost about 2 pounds (so not noticable) and my husband is the skinniest he has been in years looks great, he didn't really have any weight to lose to begin with though. Not fair!
Ok well, back to my Friday after that diet rant. So at dinner I randomly start talking about the miscarriage, I don't know why, it has been a few weeks but had been on my mind all day. I am literally surrounded by pregnant people and new mothers, at work (school for pregnant/parenting teens) and with friends/family. Anyway I was talking about how it's not that I wish bad things on anybody but that I wish I had a close girlfriend who had been through it because while I have people to talk to, unless you've dealt with it you can't really understand. I was also just talking about how far I would've been along this past weekend (about 19 weeks) etc. etc. Anyway my husband told me not to talk about it, he didn't want to talk about it and that I've got to be positive, we are trying again so try and be happy etc. Of course, that made me tear up, because I am already thinking about the miscarriage and now the only person in the world that I think I can share with doesn't want to hear it. Awkward, tearing up in a restaurant! Of course then my husband is saying things trying to get me to stop tearing up which is having the opposite effect! Anyway, I manage to pull it together without making a scene.
I am of course annoyed at him that I can't talk to him about it, but I'm thinking that I will talk to him about it the next day, obviously a restaurant is not the place to continue this conversation. Of course by the next morning I am feeling differently. The thing that I forget sometimes is that my husband is dealing with the loss too, although perhaps not as acutely as me. The way he deals with things is that he tries to distract himself and look at the positive, so I really don't think it's that he doesn't want to listen to me, it's just that he's trying to cope with it himself. Men aren't talkers like women are. Also, I really shouldn't have made it the topic of conversation at a busy restaurant on a Friday night, when we talk at home he is generally very supportive. So while I am lying in bed on Saturday morning thinking about why I shouldn't make a big deal out of last night's conversation he comes in to our bedroom with an egg-white omlette for me and we have breakfast in bed together..........he is really pretty amazing, and I'm very glad that he is my husband.
On Sunday we are surrounded by more baby related events. First we head to a friends house to attend a Baby naming ceremony (a Jewish event, similar to a Christening) for their baby girl. Afterwards we stopped by to see some friends of ours. The couple is expecting their first baby. She is only three weeks behind where I was, and we were so excited to be going on maternity leave together. Unfortunately I lost the baby, but they have also had some hardships. She screened high risk for the baby having a Trisomy disorder, so she had an amnio last week and should get the results on Tues or Wed. She has really bad morning sickness. For some reason despite all the worry about disorders and her brutal morning sickness I still find myself feeling jealous that she is still pregnant and I'm not. Jealousy is such a poisonous emotion and I am really trying not to feel it, but it has been a struggle lately with all the pregnant women I see. Hopefully hubby and I are expecting again soon and I won't feel this way anymore!
So that was my weekend, here is to having a great week and hopefully the start of spring sometime soon!
Friday was the cheat day from my diet, so hubby and I went out for supper. My husband and I have been following the GI diet recently. My body does not love bad carbs, despite the continuous insistence from my tastebuds, so after dieting to look awesome for our wedding this past summer I have managed to pack on thirty pounds. Not good. Now this has nothing to do with exercise, since I do that anywhere from 3 to 5 days a week, it is all diet, and let me tell you this fall was a shit show of a diet disaster. After being so careful with my eating to look good for the wedding I think my brain rebelled and so I ate bad food, then I started a new job which was pretty overwhelming, so I ate bad food. Next I got pregnant, which generally means eating healthy but also means cutting out everything with aspartame which I love so much so that meant extra calories. Next came the holidays, followed shortly thereafter by a miscarriage, so there was some holiday eating followed by some depression eating.....so here I am 30 pounds heavier. So I have been eating healthier, somehow after just a few weeks on the diet I have lost about 2 pounds (so not noticable) and my husband is the skinniest he has been in years looks great, he didn't really have any weight to lose to begin with though. Not fair!
Ok well, back to my Friday after that diet rant. So at dinner I randomly start talking about the miscarriage, I don't know why, it has been a few weeks but had been on my mind all day. I am literally surrounded by pregnant people and new mothers, at work (school for pregnant/parenting teens) and with friends/family. Anyway I was talking about how it's not that I wish bad things on anybody but that I wish I had a close girlfriend who had been through it because while I have people to talk to, unless you've dealt with it you can't really understand. I was also just talking about how far I would've been along this past weekend (about 19 weeks) etc. etc. Anyway my husband told me not to talk about it, he didn't want to talk about it and that I've got to be positive, we are trying again so try and be happy etc. Of course, that made me tear up, because I am already thinking about the miscarriage and now the only person in the world that I think I can share with doesn't want to hear it. Awkward, tearing up in a restaurant! Of course then my husband is saying things trying to get me to stop tearing up which is having the opposite effect! Anyway, I manage to pull it together without making a scene.
I am of course annoyed at him that I can't talk to him about it, but I'm thinking that I will talk to him about it the next day, obviously a restaurant is not the place to continue this conversation. Of course by the next morning I am feeling differently. The thing that I forget sometimes is that my husband is dealing with the loss too, although perhaps not as acutely as me. The way he deals with things is that he tries to distract himself and look at the positive, so I really don't think it's that he doesn't want to listen to me, it's just that he's trying to cope with it himself. Men aren't talkers like women are. Also, I really shouldn't have made it the topic of conversation at a busy restaurant on a Friday night, when we talk at home he is generally very supportive. So while I am lying in bed on Saturday morning thinking about why I shouldn't make a big deal out of last night's conversation he comes in to our bedroom with an egg-white omlette for me and we have breakfast in bed together..........he is really pretty amazing, and I'm very glad that he is my husband.
On Sunday we are surrounded by more baby related events. First we head to a friends house to attend a Baby naming ceremony (a Jewish event, similar to a Christening) for their baby girl. Afterwards we stopped by to see some friends of ours. The couple is expecting their first baby. She is only three weeks behind where I was, and we were so excited to be going on maternity leave together. Unfortunately I lost the baby, but they have also had some hardships. She screened high risk for the baby having a Trisomy disorder, so she had an amnio last week and should get the results on Tues or Wed. She has really bad morning sickness. For some reason despite all the worry about disorders and her brutal morning sickness I still find myself feeling jealous that she is still pregnant and I'm not. Jealousy is such a poisonous emotion and I am really trying not to feel it, but it has been a struggle lately with all the pregnant women I see. Hopefully hubby and I are expecting again soon and I won't feel this way anymore!
So that was my weekend, here is to having a great week and hopefully the start of spring sometime soon!
Thursday, 3 March 2011
Here we go.....
Hi Everyone......and by everyone I mean nobody because, as this is my first blog post. I highly doubt anyone will be reading it, but we all have to start somewhere. Eventually I might have a follower or two, and they just might be interested enough to scroll down the history to see who the fudgesicles is writing this thing!
I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Pepper St.Andrews, well that's the name I'm blogging with anyway, a name that has noble beginning in one of those "create your stripper name" emails. I decided not to use my real name, because I want to be completely open and honest with this blog, and a fake name gives me just enough annonymity to do that. Of course, being anonymous means that I am far less likely to get any kind of following since I'm not going to be asking close friends and family to check this amazing blog out, so perhaps my musings will do nothing except serve as some sort of catharsis for me. If that's it, then mission accomplished.
So you know where I am coming from here is a little information about me. I am female, in my late twenties and living in Canada. I just got married this summer to a really amazing man, which is obviously my opinion, if I didn't think he was amazing I wouldn't have married him. I work as a teacher at a highschool, this is my first year teaching after spending a decade in university (yes it took a decade and 3 degrees to decide my life plan), so now I have joined the adult world of the employed. I don't have any kids, yet anyway, my husband and I want them soon. I got pregnant after two months of trying in early November (2010) and had a miscarriage in mid January. After recovering from that rollercoaster we are currently doing the not trying, not preventing thing. Fingers crossed I will be sharing good baby news on this blog in the near future.
Life is pretty great for me honestly, happy marriage, both our parents have happy marriages, we are upper middle class and we have a lot to be thankful for. So I guess, at least I am hoping, there won't be that much drama for me to write about but I am pretty opinionated so I will share my opinion as often as I can, and hopefully someone decides to read it or even comment back!
I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Pepper St.Andrews, well that's the name I'm blogging with anyway, a name that has noble beginning in one of those "create your stripper name" emails. I decided not to use my real name, because I want to be completely open and honest with this blog, and a fake name gives me just enough annonymity to do that. Of course, being anonymous means that I am far less likely to get any kind of following since I'm not going to be asking close friends and family to check this amazing blog out, so perhaps my musings will do nothing except serve as some sort of catharsis for me. If that's it, then mission accomplished.
So you know where I am coming from here is a little information about me. I am female, in my late twenties and living in Canada. I just got married this summer to a really amazing man, which is obviously my opinion, if I didn't think he was amazing I wouldn't have married him. I work as a teacher at a highschool, this is my first year teaching after spending a decade in university (yes it took a decade and 3 degrees to decide my life plan), so now I have joined the adult world of the employed. I don't have any kids, yet anyway, my husband and I want them soon. I got pregnant after two months of trying in early November (2010) and had a miscarriage in mid January. After recovering from that rollercoaster we are currently doing the not trying, not preventing thing. Fingers crossed I will be sharing good baby news on this blog in the near future.
Life is pretty great for me honestly, happy marriage, both our parents have happy marriages, we are upper middle class and we have a lot to be thankful for. So I guess, at least I am hoping, there won't be that much drama for me to write about but I am pretty opinionated so I will share my opinion as often as I can, and hopefully someone decides to read it or even comment back!
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