zero patience time warp!

Seriously could time be going any slower lately? Why is it that when you're waiting for something time seems to slow down? I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning to arrive. I feel like I have been waiting forever for time to pass to get to the 12 week ultrasound. I check the babybump app on my iphone all the time, 5 weeks and 5 days?!?!? That's it?!?!? Haven't I been waiting for ever already?

I have decided to pay for the early ultrasound, I am thinking that I will book it for around 9 weeks which puts me around May 19th. That still feels like a long ways away, but I'm sure that it will help put my mind at ease for the three weeks until the 12 week scan, that is if everything is going well in there. Fingers and toes crossed!!!

I wish I had a more exciting blog post to share with you guys, but unfortunately nothing exciting has been going on, seriously not that I want drama, but perhaps even a little bit to keep me distracted! Oh I know, a close friend of mine got engaged and asked me to be a bridesmaid. She was thinking of having her wedding either this Christmas or the one after, so I had to tell her about my pregnancy. Since the wedding is where we grew up, which is a very long flight away, there is no way I could come this Christmas as I would be within a week of my due date. She knows about my miscarriage so she was very excited for me. It was nice to be able to tell someone because it's hard to keep the secret.

Well since I have nothing exciting to share I thought I would share a blog I read occasionally to entertain myself, it's http://www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ I highly recommend it if you are wanting to pass some time!! Have a good week everyone, hopefully I will have more exciting things to report next time!

Holy giant flood of emotions batman!

I was driving to work this morning, well my husband was driving I guess I was passengering (ok not a word, but you get the idea). I only specify the difference because I was checking my email and I don't want you to think I was driving while staring at my phone. Anyway, I was checking my email on my iphone and I got an email from my sister. She sent me an ultrasound photo from her 12 week scan that she just had done. Well holy giant flood of emotions batman!

HAPPY -  for her and her husband, I'm glad her pregnancy is going the way it should and she her risk of miscarriage is way down.

JEALOUS -  I am jealous because I want to get to a healthy 12 week scan so badly!

SCARED - seeing her scan made me realise that I am so scared about not making it that far, my heart is seriously pounding with anxiety

SAD - I'm not going to lie I threw a little poor me pity party, I am still so very sad about the loss of our first baby and I'm not sure when that will start feeling better. Perhaps once I get that healthy scan and can move onto excitement about this pregnancy.

EXCITED - now that I'm pregnant again (will be 5 weeks this Thursday) it's only about 7 weeks until I might get to see the same thing

IMPATIENT - seriously can't I pay someone somewhere to make time go faster

So that was how I felt on my drive to work this morning and pretty much the rest of today. I am feeling so many emotions all at the same time that it's like my body doesn't know what to do with itself! I wish I could just hibernate and not think about it for a few weeks.

The pregnancy clinic I go to doesn't do anything want to see me until almost 12 weeks and then your 12 week scan is the first one you have. I had a healthy 6 week scan last time, the baby died around 8.5 weeks and we found out at 11.5 weeks. I am torn between just waiting until the 12 week scan or paying for a private scan earlier. There is a place in the city that does a basic 2D scan for 90 bucks. I was thinking about doing that around 9.5 or 10 weeks......so torn. If you have an opinion please leave me a comment and tell me what you think. Early scan or wait until 12 weeks????

I'm pregnant!!!

After I got my negative test I had told myself I was going to wait until the weekend to test.....but as I mentioned in my last post, not the most patient person!

After work on Wednesday I picked up a 2-pack of cheapie tests. I peed on one around 5pm. I got what I thought could possibly be a faint line, possibly not. So I waited a few hours for my husband to get home and to build up some more pee and I tried on the other one. Same thing, there was maybe a line there. At some angles we thought we could see it, but we weren't sure if we were just wishing it to be there. We got frustrated with the is it or isn't it, so I promised myself I would wait until Friday morning and test with the clearblue digital.

Thursday morning I got up, and I start thinking, "you know I haven't tested with first morning urine yet, and that is supposed to be the most accurate. Plus, I can always go buy another digital test for Friday morning if I use this one up." I got out fo bed, and went straight to the bathroom, peed and PREGNANT! YAY!

My husband and I are so excited but so very nervous. Since my miscarriage was at 11.5 weeks, I don't think I will be able to relax until I get through a healthy 12 week ultrasound. It definitely feels different this time around, not really different physically, but I am more reserved/cautious in my excitement.

So my due date is either December 22 (using standard calculation with last menstrual period) or December 20 (taking into account that my cycle is 26 days not 28). If all goes well we will have a little Christmas miracle! I am hoping with every fiber in my being that this little baby makes it! Thanks everyone for your support!

patience is not a virtue I possess!

I was so excited when Aunt Flow didn't show on Monday, I was thinking I would have a positive pregnancy test the next morning. Monday on the way home from work I picked up a 2-pack of Clearblue digital pregnancy tests. That's the good kind, but figured I'd splurge. I didn't want to worry about "Is that a faint line or my imagination?"

I brought the pack home and was all ready to test with first morning urine Tuesday morning. Of course, when there is a pregnancy test sitting on your counter and all your brain can do is spin 100 miles an hour wondering if you are pregnant or not. I was really trying to be good and not test until the morning. So I talked to my husband for about 30 minutes about, do you think I should test or not.....of course he said it was up to me. So then I called my mom, and talked to her for 30 minutes with every variation of should I test or not.....of course she said it was up to me.

Well willpower is not my strong suit, which is apparent in my ass being twice the size it should be, so I went a tested. I figured I had been holding my pee for awhile and I didn't drink much so I knew if I got a negative then watery pee wasn't the reason. I pee, I wait and or course.....Not Pregnant. Grrrrrrrrr!

So here I am,  it's Wednesday afternoon and still no Aunt Flow. Maybe my cycle is just being weird because it's only been a few months since the miscarriage. Maybe I am pregnant. Seriously the waiting is killing me. It is all I can think about all day. I am little a cranky kid who wants birthday cake and doesn't want to have to eat dinner first.

I am trying my very hardest to wait until the weekend and then if AF doesn't show her ugly face (fingers crossed) I will test again. If it turns out I am pregnant, then I really hope that the baby inherits will power and patience from my hubby, because I don't have a ounce to share!!!

Aunt Flo is a no show!

I was supposed to get a visit from Aunt Flow today and she is a no show. I really hope she stays away. I am going to buy a pregnancy test on my way home from work and test tomorrow with first morning urine. They (whoever they are) say that it's best to do it first thing in the morning because all your hormones have more time to enter your bladder overnight. If I was to be pregnant, my last period was St. Patrick's day, which means if I am counting correctly that I would be due on Christmas Eve! After suffering a miscarriage this year, that would definitely be a Christmas miracle. This little girl is wishing as hard on the outside as I am doing on the inside!

Fingers crossed for tomorrow morning.........send me your good luck vibes!!!

two week wait and imagined pregnancy symptoms

The worst part about trying to conceive is this whole two week wait thing.  The time between ovulation (and hopefully conception) and getting to find out when you are pregnant. Turns out, I am not a patient person. I am obviously hoping for a positive result, but if it's negative I wish I could just find out already so I could get ready to try again the next month. Doesn't it seem like when you are waiting for somthing time ticks by so slowly.....kind of like waiting for Christmas morning when you're a kid, or waiting for exam results to be posted, or when you know an engagement ring is coming but aren't sure when etc. etc.

This week my impatience to find out has been driving me crazy, every little twinge of something in my body has me overanalyzing....thinking maybe it's a pregnancy symptom. On Tuesday I thought my boobs seemed sore while I was in the shower, but then again if you grab your boob hard to see if it's sore anytime in your life, the answer will probably be yes. I have also had a cold this week, and stayed off work yesterday....so I have been feeling like crap....but maybe the exhaustion is related to pregnancy? maybe?? OK, I am probably just sick. I had to burp this morning a few times, which is weird for me, but happened when I was pregnant last time...I was always burping....so clearly I am pregnant right? Then I come to my senses and realise that I am being a crazy lady and I need to relax.

So like I said the wait is killing me....science can't you get on figuring out a way to test for pregnancy that is 100% accurate, I dunno say a few days after ovulation? Nevermind, I get it, most people (including myself) think curing deadly diseases is more important. Aunt Flo is due on April 11th, so hopefully she doesn't show her ugly face. It is tempting to test early on one of those early results tests, but they are not that accurate. Seeing a negative but then still having those lingering questions in your head of "maybe I just tested too early" doesn't really solve the problem. Also, testing early can mean you detect a chemical pregnancy (egg and sperm meet but don't properly implant) is a roller coaster of emotions that I don't want to have. I didn't get a positive with my first pregnancy until I was 3 days late, so I don't want to test early and be disappointed. I have added this cartoon below....because in the seemingly excrutiatingly long two week wait this brought a chuckle to my morning.

Long drives and books on tape

Welcome to April......unfortunately April in Canada apparently means snow. This has been a particularly bad winter and my heart is aching for some warm weather and flip flops! This past Thursday my husband and I left for a 12 hour drive to rural Manitoba for my friend's wedding, and we just returned late last night.

The way there was pretty good. We went to the library before we left and borrowed some audio books. I keep wanting to call them books on tape, but they are on CD's and I'm pretty sure that's the way they've been doing it for many years! They make long drives soooooo much easier to take. I love music, but I find after a few hours it starts to give me a headache and I start flipping the stations trying to find something that I like but nothing seems to work anymore. Audio books are awesome, because it doesn't get repetitive, and the drive seems to fly by, well maybe not fly by, but it does make it way easier to handle. It was funny the one we were listening was kind of an action-mystery type one that had a genetically-modified sabre-tooth tiger in it........for some reason for the rest of the drive whenever the book got to one of those sentences where you knew something dangerous was about to happen my husband or I (ok usually me) would interject with "and there was a SABRE-TOOTH TIGER!!!!!!!! Perhaps only funny to us, but we had a pretty fun ride there.

The wedding was nice, my friend was a beautiful bride. There wasn't a whole lot of exciting things to do, but it was nice to see the area that my friend grew up and put faces and visions to all the people and places she had described in her stories to me. Her family was really sweet, and and although there was some drama involving her Dad, at the end of the day everything went according to plan and it was a great event.

The drive back home was not quite as fun. We were really tired from the wedding the night before, so even before we started the drive we were really exhausted. Of course, it had snowed overnight, so for the first 200km or so we were driving over snow covered roads and making our way through snowbanks in the middle of the road. We saw a whole bunch of vehicles off the road and this part of the trip probably took us double the time. It was white-knuckle driving, I'm glad my husband is a good driver and that we have a all-wheel drive vehicle! Although we left early in the morning we didn't get home until 9pm last night. So after my spring break trip I arrived back at work this morning more tired than when it started.

On the upside the end of spring break means only 54 teaching days left until the end of school, but who is couting? It's bad, but my position is a mat leave, and ever since I found out the woman is for sure coming back (most people were expecting she wasn't) and I know I am finished here with the school year I am way less motivated. I still want to do a good job teaching, but I don't visualize all the things I can do to improve the program for next year etc.

So come on sunshine, come on summer.......I am ready!